


remind me that i am a fool

by unusannus



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aunt May is the best, But he'll get through it, Canon-Typical Violence, I promise, Michelle Jones Is a Good Bro, Minor Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Peter Parker is a Mess, can we all appreciate her more often?, one of the only het relationships that matters, stuff gets real Sad, tony stark...you ARE the father, well not in a bio way but you get it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:53:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24365359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unusannus/pseuds/unusannus
Summary: The stars look down at his paralyzed figure. He looks back helplessly.ORpeter has a lot on his plate and is terrified of becoming someone he’s not.
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Kudos: 16





	remind me that i am a fool

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this has been my quarantine creation. i hope i did all these characters justice because it's my first jab at spider-man fics. enjoy!!

He took a few breaths.

In and out.

In and out.

In

And

Out

Then he lept

______

The freedom that comes with swinging around New York City was unlike anything Peter had ever felt. It was the sun shining on a particularly dull day, eating ice cream with his friends, hanging out with Mr. Stark to fix up his suit.

Basically, it was welcoming.

In the air, that was when Peter knew who he was the most. He knew he was spider-man and that his duty was far beyond what most others could comprehend. Everyone depended on him, whether it be big or small, Peter was there for his people. After a few years of being a hero under his belt, he had gone through some of the toughest experiences ever that could certainly rival Ben’s death.

Something he thought would never happen.

As Peter landed on the edge of the abandoned warehouse he had coined as a home base for him to focus on Spider-Man things only, he pulled off his mask and took a gulp of fresh air, or as fresh as New York air could get.

He leapt through a hole in the roof he had discovered a few months ago and headed to the corner he had deemed as his desk. Most of it built by himself, feeling that he would only serve as more of a nuisance to Mr.Stark if he asked for more tech and equipment than his suit.

He sat down on a dingy plastic chair set up in front of the old desk, “Karen, call Ned please.”

He answered on the third ring, “Hey dude!”

Peter smiled, no matter how tired or out of it he was, his best friend’s voice was always enough to coax him out of whatever rut he was in. He fiddled with his web shooters as he spoke, “Hey man, I wanted to ask if you were able to hack into that doctor’s computer to check his activity.”

Ned sighed, like he knew Peter only wanted to talk about work stuff, ‘Uh, yeah I was able to get into it. Dr. Nelson, right? I looked through some stuff he had, but, Peter, this seems like a dead end. Are you sure he’s the one who’s been robbing all these banks? He’s basically clean. Not even a speeding ticket or anything.” He paused, seeming to choose his words carefully, “Maybe you should just-”

“Drop it?” Peter finished for him, glad he wasn’t video chatting so Ned couldn’t see his frustrated face. “You can’t be serious. I saw his _face_ , Ned! I know it’s him. I took off his mask before he disappeared into thin air.”

“Yeah, you’ve said that a lot. It just -- It sounds weird. How could someone disappear like that?”

Throwing his hands up, Peter yelled, exasperated, “I don’t know! I know this sounds crazy. Why do you think I’m not the one checking his computer? I’ve been checking on him everyday ready to bring him in when he slips up on top of all the other stuff I have to work on.”

“Peter, you should take a break. You sound tired.” Ned spoke softly, like if he talked any louder Peter might break.

“ I can’t. I need to prove to Mr. Stark that I can do things on my own. This is what it means to be an Avenger, okay? I can’t have my hand held the entire time.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, “ Look, I’m sorry for yelling, just leave the rest up to me. I can handle it.” Before Ned could respond, Peter hung up.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he leaned back in the uncomfortable chair and stared at the broken ceiling. When he looked back down he saw his own reflection staring back at him from a small mirror on the floor that had been shattered.

It was broken.

That sure was a way to describe how he felt right now.

______

“You look like you just woke up from being dead a hundred years.”

Peter scoffed, “Wow, thanks.”

It was Saturday night and he and MJ were working on a science project due on Monday. But they were barely starting it even after having all the previous week to do so. Peter knew it was his fault, he had prioritized Spider-Man above all else, even school, which he knew Aunt May and Mr. Stark wouldn’t agree with.

Peter guessed that MJ was annoyed at the very least. He knew that her remark on his appearance wasn't coming from a bad place.. He had bags under his eyes and his new habit of eating less was making his skin much paler than usual, but he was too focused on other, much bigger issues than making time for a meal or school work.

He needed to catch Dr.Nelson before he could disappear again. If he could just do that then he’d allow himself to take a break, but, for now, he needed to focus all his energy on catching the bad guy.

“Hey, dork, I asked you a question.”

Peter blinked, snapping out of his reverie. “Sorry what?”

MJ’s eyes softened at his delayed response, “Are you doing okay?” Her worried expression made Peter feel guilty, it seemed that more and more people in his life were starting to wear that look on their face whenever they spoke to him.

So, he lied, “I-I’m fine. Just tired.”

Okay, more of a half truth and lie, but he wasn’t about to say that to her.

MJ sighed, looking like she was about to say something else before her phone buzzed out a notification. Peter breathed a sigh of relief at the distraction from the conversation he wasn’t ready to have now, or really, ever.

Huffing, MJ put away her phone.

Peter furrowed his eyebrows, “Everything cool?”

She shook her head, “Betty just bailed on me for a concert we were going to together.”

“Oh, who were you going to see?” Peter asked

“The 1975.” She bit her lip nervously, “Now I have an extra ticket for no reason.” As she said this a look of realization made its way onto her face, “Unlessss…” She dragged out, eyeing Peter with an amused glint in her eyes, “You could come with me!”

He grinned at how happy she sounded, it was such a rare thing to see such pure joy on her face, but his smile quickly dropped as he asked, “What day is it going to be on?” because, yeah, now he’s at the point in his life where he needs to make sure certain dates stay untouched. It was why he even asked Karen to help him create a digital planner to organize some of the mess in his life. Keyword: _some_.

“It’s tomorrow.” MJ replied with eyes so hopeful Peter felt like throwing up would be more welcomed than what he had to say next.

“I don’t think I can make it.” He blurted out, “I’ve got a ,uh, thing tomorrow.”

She quirks an eyebrow, “A thing?”

Peter swallows harshly, “Yeah, it’s really important. Can’t miss it.”

“May I ask what this ‘thing’ is?” MJ questioned, a steely edge to her tone.

He shakes his head, “I can’t talk about it. It’s a part of the Stark internship.” The more the lies spilled, the worse he was beginning to feel.

“Oh, okay.” MJ stood up, starting to pack up her things to Peter’s surprise.

“What are you doing?”

MJ looked him dead in the eyes, “I’m going home.” She answered with an air of nonchalance, “I want to try and help, but if you’re going to tiptoe around this stuff then there’s no point in me being here.” She tells him, growing more and more irritated as she spoke,” I’ll do my part and you do yours. We’ll combine them on Monday, but after that I think it’s best we give each other space.”

Shocked, Peter could only watch helplessly as she walked out of his room. Once the door shut, he became aware of the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.

He just lost his only friends.

Broken couldn’t come close to what he was feeling now.

______

The next day Peter did what he planned to do that had caused him to decline MJ’s concert offer.

He was going to break into Dr. Nelson’s lab. With his research and help from Karen he found out that his department was working with lab rats and the like to test certain products, mostly for makeup and shampoo. Peter hypothesized that the doctor could be using his access to these chemicals to create his own and test them on himself, which would explain why every time he was close to getting caught he disappeared. It could be a special concoction he’d made to not get caught.

It was still a working theory and this trip into his office could make or break it.

He landed gently on a building opposite the lab, “Karen, scan for security cameras.”

“4 on each corner of the interior of the lab and none inside Nelson’s office. Though there is one on the exterior that is staring directly at the window you’ll be going in from. Would you like me to take care of it?”

Peter nodded, getting into position to swing next to said window once it was clear, “Yes, please do.” He tilted his head in thought, “Also cut out the ones inside.”

Once he made sure that the cameras were short circuited he landed into position and attempted to open the window. Surprisingly, it worked.

“Woah, who keeps windows of a _lab_ unlocked?” He muttered to himself as he crawled in.

The first thing he noticed was the cages of rats lined up on a white table. “Oh, hey guys. What are you doing here?” He inquired, lightly touching the metal as he peered into them.

“Well, this is a lab for the testing of various chemically induced products on animals to dictate whether they are safe or at least tolerable for human use. They are usually transported here by some type of container in bulk.”

Peter chuckled, “Yeah, I know, Karen. It was just a rhetorical question.”

“Oh, sorry for misreading.”

“No it’s cool you’re fine. Don’t worry. You’re an AI and Tony said you were still learning more as you experience, so now you’ve learned.” He smiled, hoping Karen somehow noticed that he didn’t care if she made little mistakes like that.

The squeaks of the rats were the only sound that could be heard. He kept his voice quiet as he spoke, even though it was unlikely anyone would be here so late. Peter had snuck out at around 1am for this very reason. He didn’t even want to think of what May would do to him if she discovered where he went.

He moved his attention from the rats to the office of Dr.Nelson.

It was locked, but he bought a lock pick off a shady guy on a street corner for 5 dollars. He had eyed Peter weirdly, probably because he couldn’t think of a reason a 17 year old would buy one if he wasn’t doing something illegal. Well, he was but Peter still defended himself by saying it was in case he ever got locked out of a car that he didn’t even own.

Upon entering Peter headed straight towards the doctor’s desk, he noticed that there was a picture frame on it. It was of an older looking woman and a little girl who bore a strong resemblance to her and…

“Nelson.” Peter froze, eyes locked onto the faces in the frame, “He has a kid and a wife.” He said aloud, mostly to himself. It was daunting to see that someone he had begun to resent had such a normal life. A life that he would inevitably ruin if he exposed who the masked bandit robbing banks was.

“Peter, there’s movement happening on the floor above us. It seems that we’re not alone here.”

Peter snapped back to reality, “Uh, okay okay I just need to grab any evidence that he’s that robber.” He took his hands off the photo and shuffled through the various drawers on either side of the desk for a few minutes.

“Papers, papers, more papers…” He scowled, “These are just lab reports. I can’t find anything incrimin-” He cut himself off as he stumbled onto a few pages of notebook paper with sketches and notes scrawled messily on them. Some of it was unintelligible, but Peter got the gist of it. It looked like these were the starter prototypes for some drug that Dr.Nelson was working on, and since they weren’t typed out and with proper formatting, Peter guessed that this was his own solo project.

 _This is it. This is what I need to bring him down_. He thought to himself.

Then, he heard the office door creak.

“Hey, you’re not supposed to be in here!” Said a gruff voice.

Peter looked up,the fear in his eyes covered by the mask. He quickly pulled the papers behind his back.

The other man looked like a janitor. He was probably cleaning up everything and noticed the door left wide open. _Idiot._ Peter thought to himself. How could he forget such a simple thing?

“Wait a minute-- Spider-Man?”

Shaking his head, Peter began backing up against the window in the office, readying to make his escape. “This isn’t what it looks like!” He exclaimed.

“It looks like you’re sneaking around a well respected man’s office. I thought you were better than this.” He stroked the small goatee on his chin as he continued, “I guess the other shoe had to drop eventually.”

“No. No! I- It’s really not that bad. I’m investigating something. Please y-you gotta keep this between us.” He walked forward, frustrated with himself at allowing this to even happen,”I’m trying to save you. I’m trying to save _all_ of us, okay? J-just trust me.” His voice broke, “Please.”

“Trust you? Never in all my years have I seen a so-called hero be so blatantly obvious of hiding something. If you can’t tell me then I’m calling the police.” he began to dial something on his phone.

Without thinking, Peter shot a web out and yanked the phone out of the man’s hand, “No.” He told the man defiantly. He felt an anger rising up in his chest unlike any other. How could he protect anyone if so many believed Spider-Man was a menace? The thought had always eaten away at him and hated it. He wished people could see that all the good he’s done could outweigh any of the bad, which wasn’t very much in the first place.

He couldn't tell the man the truth about Dr.Nelson. He had to make sure it would hurt the doctor’s family in the least possible way. He needed time to figure it out. He could do it.

“What the hell?” The janitor yelled out, already going towards the fallen phone before Peter stopped him.

Peter grabbed his arm roughly, pushing down the voice in his head that told him this wasn’t right, “No. You’re not going to call anyone. You’re going to walk out of here and pretend it was just another regular night on the job.”

“And what if I don’t?”

Peter resisted the urge to whimper as he said his next words, “Then you’ll never get another night on the job ever again.”

The man’s face paled immediately,” So you’re gonna kill me? Is that it Spider-Man?” He asked, eyes flitting from Peter to the door, “Y-you’d never do that. You’re supposed to be a hero.”

“And you’re supposed to be leaving without an inkling of remembrance over what happened tonight.”

Maybe it was the darkened look on Peter’s face or the way his voice never wavered, but the guy finally backed off. He walked out with a frightened look that made Peter doubt he’d blabber the second he could.

Once he was alone again Peter sighed, looking at the papers he was going to steal. _Was it really worth it anymore?_ He wondered to himself.

“Did I just do that?’ Peter questioned out loud, feeling too fragile and vulnerable to keep his fear to himself.

“Is this another rhetorical question?”

He didn’t answer Karen as he escaped the room, making sure any trace of him was gone.

______

He cried himself to sleep that night.

He was more than broken.

______

On Monday afternoon Peter walked home alone for what seemed to be like the first time in years. Ned and MJ were nowhere to be seen as he loitered next to the school entrance, ready to carry on their routine of leaving together.

They never arrived.

It was chilly since winter was on the horizons, so Peter kept his hood up. He could see the clouds of warm air escaping his lips as he breathed in and out. Being alone gave him unwanted time with himself. All his mind kept going back to was the events of the previous night. The fact that he had willingly and openly threatened an innocent man to keep his reputation stable.

He wanted to be seen. Not as a criminal but as someone people could count on. All he ever wanted was to help. Why did it come at such a price? Peter had no clue.

Though, there were the lingering whispers deep in the crevices of his mind that he deserved it. He deserved being treated as less than a helper. That he was just a wolf in sheep's clothing and ready to pounce when something didn’t go his way.

He tried hard to keep those whispers pushed down.

Before he knew it, he had arrived at his apartment building. Walking up the stairs and to his door, he unlocked it, and became immediately engulfed in the smell of something cooking.

“I’m home!” He yelled out, shutting the door and slipping off his shoes, neatly placing them next to the door.

Aunt May peeked out at him from the kitchen, holding a big spoon. “Hi honey! How was your day?”

“Fine. Nothing interesting.” He responded, sniffing the air for a moment, “Hmm, spaghetti?” He guessed with a small smirk.

“Ding ding ding.” She grinned, setting a hand on her hip, “Gosh, you’re like a bloodhound with that nose. It’s terrifying”

He chuckled, gesturing towards himself, “It comes with the enhanced body.”

“Does it really?” She questions

Peter paused, deep in thought, “I actually don’t know. I’ll ask Mr. Stark when I see him again.” He stopped smiling as the words escaped him. It had been a while since he saw the man face to face. He was trying to discreetly avoid Mr.Stark because he felt like a burden to him whenever they spoke, like the billionaire would rather be anywhere else than explaining nanotechnology to a teenager.

“That’s good, and tell me when you’ll be seeing each other again, I want to bake him a pie as a thank you for all he’s done for you.” Peter opened his mouth to reply, May stopped him before he could, “And No, you will not be swinging it to him. Take a cab like us normal people for once.”

He closes his mouth with a pout.

May purses her lips, “Wait, where’s Ned and MJ? They always drop you off. ”

Peter’s heart skips a beat. Not in a loving way, but more of a _Oh my God I’m having a heart attack kind of way._ Nevertheless, he answers, “They were busy today. High school’s tough, you know?”

“Too busy for a 15 minute walk home?” She set her spoon down, eyeing him in that way Peter knows a mother should look like when they worry for their child.

Any other day he might’ve relented at that look, but today he just wants to keep up the facade that he’s okay. That he’s happy and content with his life and wouldn’t of rather have died with his parents in the plane crash to save everyone who cares for him the trouble of even knowing him.

“Yeah, it’s just one of those things.” He rises up the stairs to his room, leaving a concerned Aunt May behind, “ Look, I’m gonna go and get some homework done now, okay?”

Shutting the door to his room, he sat down at the edge of his bed, scrunching the newly made covers (courtesy of May) under his fingers. They were soft and smelled freshly washed. He never realized how much May really did for him now. Even before everything.

Peter realized that he’d begun categorizing his life in the before and the after. The before was happy mostly, after his grieving had subsided he got along with his uncle and aunt great. They had board game night every Friday and Ben made sure to always take Peter out for ice cream when he had all As, which was many times much to May’s disapproval.

May was always there when he wasn’t though. On the nights when Ben worked late and Peter’s sobs could be heard throughout the entire apartment. When he felt like he was an idiot because he couldn’t breathe in time with May as she held him close, whispering that he was going to be okay. When he had looked into her caring eyes and asked, “Am I dying?” because surely this was what it felt like to do so. The hole in his heart was getting bigger, no matter what he did to fill the space with May and Ben it never seemed to get better.

He knows May remembers the night a young Peter had asked that horrible question. They don’t talk about it, but it’s there, moving in silence around Peter’s soul. She never pried about it. It seemed like they had an unspoken agreement that, as long as he came to her on his own accord, then they could talk about it.

He never did, still hasn’t.

The next time the question had made it into his mind was the night Ben died. As he sat around the pool of blood it crept into his thoughts. He began to understand that it had never meant literally dying. It meant that he was losing parts of himself.

They were dying inside him.

He had lost his parents, and now, Ben.

The third time it happened, Peter would actually die. In outer space where no one can hear you scream he plunged into Tony’s arms and asked it. All the other man did was hug him harder as he slipped away and fell into dust.

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Peter had completed the cycle.

The before was all of that, and now Peter had stepped into the after. A time where he hadn’t existed for five years. Even after a year, he still finds it hard to adjust to his new life. He had been Spider-Man before, but now he felt he owed to the people of New York to never leave them again. He wasn’t Iron Man or Captain America, he was his own person and needed to make sure that that was enough.

If he couldn’t excel as a superhero then there was no point at all.

______

As night crept up on the Parker’s, May left a plate of spaghetti in his room, opting to give him space rather than force him to talk about why his friends abandoned him. He ate it slowly, savoring it because he hadn’t eaten all day.

Before he could finish the last bite, a text popped up on his phone. It was from Ned.

**Guy in the chair:**

**news is saying that there’s been another bank robbery at that new one that recetly opened downtown.**

Even when they weren’t on the best terms, he always had Peters’s back.

Suiting up, Peter texted him a quick thanks and jumped out his window, hoping May wasn’t planning to check up on him again because he was not in the mood to be yelled at right now.

In between class periods all day Peter was studying the notes he had stolen from Dr.Nelson’s office. He had to look up a few things, but all in all he had gathered enough to know that his suspicions were spot on, so he had created special contact lenses in the chemistry lab after school that could be applied to the eyes on his suit to help him spot the doctor if he decided to disappear again. He had only gone in there to pass the time after Ned and MJ hadn’t yet shown up, and now he was grateful he had done so.

Swinging to the crime scene, he surveyed the area. The police had already arrived, but he steered clear of them since they weren’t exactly his biggest fans. It seemed like Dr. Nelson had already escaped, so Peter put on the lenses and they activated immediately.

He scanned the alleyways and kept swinging until his lenses picked up any traces of the man. He felt like giving up and heading back home after half an hour of searching until he caught something moving on the roof of a building.

The roof of the abandoned warehouse Peter had been hanging out in for the past months.

_How great._

He tiptoed closer to the figure, trying to find the words to say before the doctor spoke first.

“I know you’re there, Peter.” The doctor spoke in a gravelly voice. His mask was nothing professional. It reminded Peter of when he was first starting out and trying to create a good costume. It looked like some type of cloth was covering the bottom half of his face and it wrapped around his head to cover the top of it and his forehead. For some reason, Peter’s lenses could only perceive him as a blinding white figure as he was still technically invisible. All Peter could see were his eyes, a sharp blue.

His initial shock of his identity being known was soon replaced with defensiveness “Sorry, wrong place, buddy.” He said, trying to sound nonchalant, “There’s no Peter here.”

Dr.Nelson turned to him, eyes vacant of emotion , “Don’t play games with me, boy. I know who you are, just as you know who I am. I also know you’ve been spying on me, so I made sure to return the favor.” He cracked up, mostly to himself “I’ve gotta say, I’m impressed. You can actually see me, can’t you?”

Peter decides to drop the act, “Yeah, I guess you underestimated me.”

“Hm, that I did. But, you didn’t think it was going to be that easy did you?” He snapped his fingers and his body returned to normal. He was no longer invisible to the naked eye.

Peter could see now that the doctor had blonde hair slicked back and normal clothes on, not a costume of any kind. He actually looked like a dad now, with his polo and jeans on, but Peter knew better. His eyes kept a sinister glare in them as he stared at the masked boy.

“Why are you doing this?” Peter asked, “You have a family. _A kid_. What do you think they’d say if they knew you moonlighted as a criminal on certain nights?”

“I’m sure they’d understand. Just as you understand that if you don’t leave me alone right now then I’ll kill you.”

Peter’s fists tightened at his sides, “Not happening.”

He falls head first to the floor as a heavy force pushes him from behind. His arms are pinned behind him as his cheek scrapes the cold concrete. “How did you do that?” He questions, muffled by the surface he’s on.

“Thought you were quicker than that, Peter.” He laughs, squeezing his arms in emphasis and Peter tries hard to not groan at the pain. The doctor grabs him by the back of his hair, pulling him close and Peter shivers as he whispers into his ear, “This is your last chance.” before smashing his head against the roof.

Now, Peter does groan on impact. His head feels like mush and he’s pretty sure that liquid dripping down his face is blood, yet he still tries to bring Dr.Nelson back down,“Please, you can’t do this to your family. You need to be there for them.”

Dr. Nelson falters at the mention of them, “How? In prison? ‘Cause that’s where I’m heading if I don’t kill you.”

In this moment of weakness, Peter escapes from his grasp and shoots a web to his face that’s narrowly dodged. The world looks like it’s spinning and unless he has a new power Peter doesn’t know about, there are definitely not two Dr.Nelson’s.

“Y-you don’t have to go there. There are people who can help you get better.” Peter gasps, still feeling winded.

Nelson readies himself for another attack, “There’s no saving me, kid.”

It’s hard, but Peter tries his best to spot wherever the doctor will pop up next, even with the lenses he never anticipated the speed at which he could appear and vanish. A minute of dodging goes by fine, though he thinks he’ll get whiplash any second now.

“Stop!” Dodge, “Please!” Dodge, “I-I can’t do this forever.”

“That’s what I’m banking on.”

And so Peter grows tired, his head hurts and he just wants to go to sleep and pretend this never happened. His moves start to slow. Then, Nelson finally gets a punch in on his jaw.

He doesn’t fall over immediately, but the doctor fixes this by kicking one of his knees.Peter buckles over, kneeling and panting. He not only feels the blood dripping from the head, but from his newly split lip as well.

“Please.” He mumbles, disoriented. He’s not sure what he’s even pleading for. To die?. No, he doesn’t want that he realizes. He wants to live. He wants to live to help Ned rebuild the broken lego death star and to go people watching with MJ because i _t’s so interesting to see what people do when they think no one is looking_ as she would put it. He wants to live to see Tony congratulating him for passing a test. He wants to see May again. Correction, he needs to see her again

_I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die._

The mantra repeats itself as he stares into the soulless eyes of the doctor and he thinks of what an idiot he’s been lately. Everyone around him only wanted to help. They cared and all he did in the end was push them away when he needed them most. That’s all they’ll remember him by.

Peter stops his train of thoughts as he sees Nelson pull something out of his front pocket, “Didn’t think I’d need this to be honest. Much less to kill Spider-Man, so it must be my lucky day, huh?” He howls in laughter, gripping what Peter can see now is a knife.

He clutches Peter’s chin, forcing the boy to stay focused on him, “Shouldn’t have played the hero.” He remarks bitterly.

In one swift move, it plunges straight into his chest. The pain that runs through his entire body is too great for words.

He’s left alone a moment later.

“Peter? Peter can you hear me?” A distant voice speaks.

“Karen?” He cries out, clenching his teeth.

“I’ve sent a distress call to Mr.Stark. He’ll be here any second now. Stay with me.” Concern laces her voice.

Peter nods, hissing as the searing pain at his chest seems to spread all over his body. Lying there, all he can do is watch as the crimson liquid escapes his body at an alarming pace. The stars look down at his paralyzed figure. He looks back helplessly.

The pain numbs and Peter crawls up to an air vent and slumps against it. He hears the sound of something whirring behind him, but pays no attention until Iron Man is in his line of vision.

He seems preoccupied with something else as he lands, a furious look etched onto his tired face. Maybe it’s the fact that Peter has said nothing or that the bleeding has decreased in quantity, but Tony yells at him, “If this is a joke. I’m gonna be really mad because you’ve been avoiding me for days, Parker!”

Peter’s breaths come out raspy and abnormally spaced out as he listens to Tony reprimand him.

Tony curses, most likely concluding this is far from any kind of prank.

He doesn’t pay attention to anything Karen says next because he’s already kneeling next to the practically lifeless body of Peter. His breathing is shallow, but still there. As he scans all of Peter’s injuries, Tony’s mask comes off, “Oh god, what’d they do to you?” His voice cracks, picking him up gently.

“Am I dying?” Peter chokes out, vision blurring. He doesn’t know if it’s from tears of pain or something else as Tony begins to fly him up into the air.

Then all he sees is black.

______

The world is dark, like a void with no end. Peter walks forward into the nothingness. He doesn’t register the wounds from his fight at all. There’s a sense of lightness in his heart. He feels free. All he can hear are his own footsteps as he moves, though there is nowhere to go, he doesn’t stop.

He thinks he’s okay if this is what forever will be like, an endless comfort of peace and quiet.

Then, he sees someone up ahead of him. They turn to him.

It’s Ben.

“You’ve grown a lot since I last saw you.”

Peter smiles, he feels no pain at seeing the man he lost again. He’s okay, there is a wholeness in him he has not known ever before.

“And you look just the same.” He quips.

Ben sighs, getting straight to the point, “What are you doing here, Peter?”

Peter’s smile drops, the familiar ache in his chest thumps once, “I got hurt, like _really_ hurt. I-I think I’m dead. I think I’m going to be with you now.”

Ben shakes his head, “No, you’re not gone yet. You’re on the border of life and death, a limbo if you will.”

“Then how are we talking right now?”

“You’re fighting, Peter. You’re fighting really hard. There’s a divide within you. A fight to leave or to stay.”

Peter nervously chews his bottom lip, “Oh. So, I don’t know what I want?” He ponders on the fight, his final moments, “In my last thoughts I remember not wanting to die at all. I-I wanted to live to see everyone I love…” He trails off, continuing with a new vigor, “But now, the way I feel-- It’s good. I like it. Being out there, in the midst of everything is a lot sometimes. I don’t know if I want that anymore.”

“That’s because you feel nothing negative right now. Here, there’s nothing to get you sad or mad or tired. Ben explains, “Once you cross the threshold, it’s bliss.”

Peter quirks an eyebrow, “If you’re trying to convince me to leave, you’re doing a really bad job. You know that?”

Ben laughs, the corners of his eyes crinkling, “ Exactly. Why wouldn’t you want to stay, right? But, those emotions, those hardships?” He becomes serious, “They’re a part of being human. Just as they come and go, so do the good times. You need to find a balance. And when you do, you cherish it.”

Peter quietly asks, “What if I'm destined to never find it?” The tears start pooling in his eyes, “What if this is the best it’s going to be? Everyone back there, I’ve failed them. I’ve made them feel like they can’t do anything to help me. They wanted to help.” He wipes his eyes furiously, “God, they just wanted to help and I never let them. I’m such an idiot. I-I’m not who everyone thinks I am.”

Ben steps closer, putting an arm on his shoulder, “Who do you think you are?”

Peter’s confused, but tries to answer honestly, “I’m Spider-Man.”

Ben shakes his head, “See, that’s your problem. You are more than that. You’re Peter Parker. Even if that’s not what most people see you as, the hero saving their lives is the bravest kid I know.”

“But I-” He sniffles, “I threatened to _kill_ someone, Ben. No one should ever forgive me for that. Not the janitor, not May or Mr.Stark or --or- ” He stumbles as he begins to sob.

Ben wraps his arms around Peter, secure and safe in the way that Peter has sorely missed. He tucks his head into the man’s chest, feeling like he’s that scared little kid who all those years ago had lost his parents and needed someone to pick up his broken pieces.

“You were terrified and wanted to protect Dr. Nelson’s family. That doesn’t make you a bad person. If anything, it solidifies what I said before, that you’re the bravest kid I know.”

Peter stays quiet a few seconds, listening to the breathing of a man he never thought he’d meet again. His cries are still there, but they’ve gotten less intense. He still smells the same, like pine trees and that mint gun he always liked to chew on.

“I missed you.” Peter says, head still against Ben’s shirt.

Ben kisses the crown of his head in response.

Peter calms down soon enough, and lets himself move out of the embrace. He’s still terrified of what awaits him when he leaves this place, but he knows what he has to do.

Suddenly, he has an epiphany, “Wait, if you already knew all about my situation without me telling you, then does that mean you’re watching over me?”

“I’ve always been with you. Whether physically or not, I’m not about to let my nephew go through life alone. You never really lost me. In your most important moments I’m there.”

Peter wipes his tears before they can spill once more, “O-okay. I think-- I think I’m ready now. I know what to do.”

Ben stops him by gently grabbing his arm, “And, Peter, tell May it’s okay to find another. She deserves to let someone else make her happy.” His mouth curls into a knowing grin, “You can too, you know? You can find someone else to be there for you as I was. And I can think of a certain billionaire who can happily fill that spot. I’ll be okay, promise.” He sticks a pinky finger out. Peter curls his own around it and they shake once before letting go.

Peter nods, “Thank you, for everything. I-I’m glad we talked. You’ve helped me a lot.” He stops, wanting to say something he hasn’t in a while, “I love you.”

“I love you too, honey.” He points a finger at Peter, “And I better not see you back here for another 80 years, okay?”

Peter chuckles, giving a salute, “Aye Aye, Captain.”

He steps back and closes his eyes, envisioning the people he’s coming back to.

His family.

He’s coming home.

______

Peter groggily opens his eyes, groaning at the light in whatever room he’s in. His mouth tastes like cotton. He feels around blindly at his sides to find a cup of water. They’re usually in patient’s rooms, right? Then, a hand brushes with his right one and soon he has a cup, without question he drinks it in one big gulp.

“Woah, slow down, you might drown.”

Peter startles at the voice, then relaxes as he realizes it’s just Mr. Stark.

_Wait..._

His eyes widen, “Mr. Stark?” He looks and sees him sitting on a chair at the side of his bed. Now that he’s more aware he notices how different this room looks to a regular hospital room, “Where am I?”

Tony chuckles, “In my med bay. You’ve been here a few days.” He gestures towards the door, “Everyone’s outside right now, waiting for you to wake up.”

Peter feels guilt gnawing away at him, “I’m sorry.”

Tony furrows his eyebrows, “What for? You did nothing wrong, kid.” He scoots closer, “If anything, _I’m_ sorry, for not looking into why you were avoiding me.”

Peter is quick to disagree, “But I went through with something really dangerous out on my own,” He says the next part mostly to himself, “I shouldn’t have done that. I was being reckless.”

“Reckless? You call wanting to stop a bad guy reckless? Peter, you were on the right path.” He stares at him pointedly, “Would I have liked a heads up? Yes, but what’s done is done and none of what has happened makes you a degenerate by any means.”

“Even if I threatened someone?” Peter questions in a small voice, afraid of the answer.

Tony’s expression softens, “I actually talked to the janitor you did that to, gave him a nice sum of money to not say a word, but, kid, I’m not gonna lie to you, that was a risky move.” Peter senses a panic attack coming before Tony continues, “ I know this whole superhero gig is tough business, so I also know that you were just acting on instincts and desperation, and maybe some hangry feelings.”

Peter ducks his head, cheeks blushing at that last part

“Yeah, after some testimonials from your friends and aunt. I’ve found out that you’ve been ducking out on meals to focus on Spider-Man. So, please, for the sake of this old man’s heart, eat your lunchables when it’s time to.”

“What? I-I don’t eat those anymore. They’re, uh, they’re for kids.” Peter defends himself, clearing his throat.

Tony gives him a questionable look, Peter’s shoulders sag, “Okay, fine. I’ll start eating normally again.”

Suddenly, the air in the room grows tense, and Peter knows they have a lot to talk about. He starts with what’s been bugging him since he woke up, “Uh, Where exactly is Dr. Nelson right now? After I passed out everything got kinda fuzzy.” He doesn’t go into what he experienced with Ben just yet, even he still needs time to process that.

“He’s at the raft. Trial was quick, courtesy of yours truly.” Tony tells him, “As for his family, they’re grieving the loss of a father, a husband. They claim to have no idea he was doing any of the robberies, but they’ll be okay. I’ve given them some money to move away and leave this drama behind. That little girl’s college fund is all set, that’s for sure. And thanks to those papers you got. It was tough to push them as evidence when you technically…” He trails off before putting up finger quotes, “ ‘stole’ them, but I tried my best and with some good lawyers he’s not getting out anytime soon.”

“That’s good.” Peter says, relieved. In the end, whenever he fantasized of the ideal ending to Nelson’s reign of terror, he wanted him in prison for a very long time. When he discovered about the family, he made sure to add that they were minimally hurt.

“But what I want to know is why you decided this was best to do alone? I could’ve been there for you. We’re a team, Peter.” Tony takes in a shaky breath, “If I lose you, I feel like that’s on me.” He adds, “ _Again_.” Peter winces at his broken voice. He had already grieved the boy once, a second time would surely put him out of commission for good.

Tony continues, “That’s not to say I’m blaming you, but I was so close to having that happen these past days. All I wanted to see was your eyes open and for you to go on a tangent about whatever weird thing happened on duty today and ramble on and on until I got sick of it.” He glances up at the ceiling , a distant look in his eyes then back at Peter, “Kid, you’re growing up. Soon enough you’ll be in college and still trying to balance being the hero to being a normal guy.” Pausing, he collects his thoughts, “I guess, all I’m saying is that you deserve to know you’ve got a support team right here, okay? We just want you to accept our help when you can.”

Peter doesn’t know what to say, he’s tried so hard to stay out of everyone’s life, to give them the freedom to be away from him. It was difficult to wrap his head around the idea that, in reality, they cared. They cared enough to be there. They _wanted_ him there. He mattered, not just as Spider-Man, but as plain old Peter Parker too.

“I’m sorry, I just-- I wanted to prove I could hold my own.” He rubs the back of his neck nervously, “I wanted you to be proud of me.”

“Kid, I’m already proud of you. I’ve _been_ proud of you. Since the moment I saw videos of you on Youtube, I knew that that kid was going to do great things and I’ll be damned if I miss a second of them.”, Tony firmly states.

A few seconds of silence stretch out between them. Then, Peter speaks.

“Mr. Stark, c-can I hug you?”

Tony’s eyes widen slightly, he seems to be in shock, but quickly responds, “Uh, yeah yeah of course kiddo.” He gives Peter a moment to sit up then crouches down to hug him, “Also, please call me Tony. I feel old enough as it is.”

Peter stifles a laugh in Tony’s shoulder. It feels comforting to be in his arms, just like Ben’s.

_You can find someone else to be there for you as I was. And I can think of a certain billionaire who can happily fill that spot._

Peter doesn’t know why he’s only now beginning to realize that Tony is more of a father than anything else to him. It doesn’t feel like a surprise. He thinks that deep in his heart, he always knew this was how it was going to end. In Tony’s arms. In a blanket of happiness and peace that he will cherish for as long as he can live.

Hopefully that’s for a long time.

______

The first person to enter his room after Tony steps out is Ned. Peter’s heart sinks at the sight of his tear stained cheeks. He had done that to his best friend. He had hurt him.He doesn’t get a chance to apologize for all he’s done because Ned immediately envelopes him in a hug. He groans at the impact, still reeling from the soreness all over his body.

“Hey, man, I love you and all, but you gotta let me breathe.” He wheezes out.

Ned lets go quickly, “Sorry, I just missed you a lot.” He stands next to the chair Tony was in, but doesn’t sit.

“I missed you too,” Peter tells him, “And, Ned, I’m sorry.” He sighs, “I was being such a jerk to you when we last talked. Even if I was stressed, it’s not an excuse to be mean to my best friend. I need you too much to lose you over Spider-Man duties.”

Ned frowns, “But I was the one who texted you about the robbery. If I hadn’t done that then you wouldn’t be here. I should be sorry.”

Peter shakes his head, “It wasn’t your fault that I was too wrapped up in myself to call for backup. You were trying to help. I could never blame you for that, dude.”

“Thanks, Peter. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Ned pauses, “Can you please make sure that you don’t go after the big bads alone next time?”

 _Next time. Of course, there’s always a next time,_ Peter thinks. There will be countless other days and nights spent battling death and injuries. He was a superhero for crying out loud, it came in the job description. But, he doesn’t want to dwell on that right now. He wants to focus on the present, his best friend in front of him and his family on the other side of the door.

Sticking out a hand, Peter grins, “ Friends for life?” Ned takes Peter’s hand in his and they do their signature handshake.

“For life?” Ned repeats, “Nah, I’m hunting you down in the afterlife to annoy you there, too.”

_Oh, if only you knew where I just came from_

“Obviously.” Peter says, rolling his eyes fondly.

______

Aunt May comes in next. Exhaustion paints her face and she somehow still looks as young as ever.

“Hi, hon.” She greets him, voice a bit hoarse as she shuts the door quietly behind her. Peter doesn’t even want to think about how he’s probably the cause of it. She opts to sit in the chair.

“Hi May, Uh, I’m sorry.” Peter blurts out. How many times has he apologized today? It comes instinctually, like he knows he’s forever done something bad. Something to hurt others. It’s hard to shake the feeling.

“Don’t be, Peter. You were just doing what you thought was right. You’ve never been one to back away from danger, so I shouldn’t really be surprised.”

Peter sinks further into himself, the guilt still there, “I really need to work on that trait of mine some more.” He mutters.

May stops him from further seeping into a self deprecating state of mind, “ You don’t need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You have all of us and of course, the Avengers as a whole.” She pauses, a loving look in her eyes, “Peter, they all love you. You’re like everyone’s baby. Do you remember when it was your 17th birthday? If that’s not enough to know then I don’t know what is.”

Peter chuckles, recalling the event very clearly. He had arrived at the tower per Tony’s orders and he thought he was in some kind of trouble until he turned on the light to the living room and saw all his friends, family and the Avengers there to yell surprise at him. Some were wearing Party hats and some were holding a sign that said happy birthday. They all gave him a present and a hug.

It was one of the best days of his life. He had felt so loved.

“Yeah, I remember. It was awesome.” He smiled softly, “Thanks for reminding me.”

May smiles softly, extending a hand to caress his cheek for a second,“. I know it was only you and me for a while, but we’ve got help now, Peter. We’re not alone anymore.” She wipes a single tear that escapes.from her eye.

“Everyone’e been telling me that. I guess I should start believing it, huh?”

______

MJ is the last person to see him. She didn’t look any different than the last time Peter had seen her. She lingered at the foot of his bed, her hands fidgeting in a way to let Peter know she has absolutely no idea where to even begin.

So, he starts, “Uh, hi. Nice to see you here.”

Without warning she’s at his side and yelling, “Why are you such an idiot?”

He startles, catching himself before he falls off his bed, “I-I don’t know. Could you, uh, maybe clarify what you’re referring to?” He explains, “It’s just that there have been many instances of idiocy in my life, so having a specific event to look at would be helpful-”

She cuts off his rambling, “Okay, how about this as a starter? Hunting Dr. Nelson? Risking your life to fight somebody on a whim that you know what he’ll be doing and what his powers even are?” She looks frustrated with him, but Peter notices her trembling hands and takes them into one of his.

“Hey, hey I’m okay now. I’m fine, see?” He assures her, waving his free arm for emphasis.

“You weren’t fine when I saw you bloody and beaten half-dead on the floor.” She spits out, tears spilling. Taking a breath, she calms herself, “ There’s just a deal, okay? That you weren’t going to ever look like that again. T-that I’d never contemplate what life would be like without you.”

“A deal?”

She scoffs, mostly at herself, “Yeah, since the moment I found out you were Spider-Man, like for real, in Europe. I made a deal with myself. I guess it was some defense mechanism my brain made for me. Knowing that someone you- you…” She trails off, Peter can practically see the word on the tip of her tongue.

_Love._

She completes her statement and Peter’s heart skips a beat, (lovingly this time) “That someone you love is a superhero and _seeing_ it are two completely different things. I-I never want to see you like ever again. All I could think about was that I had left you that day. I left without a second thought because I was annoyed that you weren’t opening up. I should’ve pushed you, even if it made things worse. I should’ve let you know that I care.”

Peter frowns, “I know you care, MJ. Why else would you be here?” He rubs a hand down his face, frustrated with himself “ I don’t blame you for leaving, by the way. I was acting hostile and not letting you in. I’ll work on that, but knowing you’re still with me.” He squeezes her hand, “That means more than you’ll ever know.”

She squeezes back.

He doesn’t feel as broken anymore.

______

With his super healing, Peter is able to walk around more often. He spends his days going to school, hanging out with MJ and Ned, and helping Tony on anything and everything in his lab. After discovering the warehouse Peter used, he had also gifted Peter his own homebase for all things Spider-Man. It was a spare lab that was underutilized. Peter had cried and so had Tony, they held each other, not speaking a word, but understanding that there was going to be some changes between them. Who knew a second near death experience could do that?

And, as if on cue, Peter had let go of the man and whispered without thinking, “Thanks, Dad.”

It made Tony cry even harder.

But, Spider-Man duties were on the backburner for now. On orders from Tony and basically everyone who cared about him. Peter was burnt out and needed time to just be a high school kid worrying about normal stuff like college and not when the next apocalypse was happening. Even though it stung a bit to hang up the suit for a while, he knew it was for the best, and he was striving to take care of himself more often. It was different, but a good difference. Besides, the Avengers who were free promised him they would look after his city.

He knows he has a lot to work on. He realized he was moving backwards in his life rather than forwards, where he could begin to make progress and improve his life. Ever since the snap, he felt like he should have matured to make up for the five years he was gone. He was supposed to be 22, maybe even working on his masters in engineering or biology or whatever he decided to go into by now. But, he wasn’t. Half of his peers were adults already and he couldn’t help feeling like he was being left behind.

Peter had told all of this to his friends, and was shocked to know they harbored similar feelings, so Tony and May suggested they try therapy, whether it be group or individual, as long as it helped them cope and talk out their issues then it could make all the difference.

Well, who knew therapy could actually work? They sure hadn’t, but the three kids were eternally grateful for it.

One Friday, everyone had agreed to have a movie night. Tony had arranged it to be at his home, since he had a big enough living room that could accommodate for everyone.

As they settled in to enjoy a Star Wars marathon, Peter glanced around from his corner of the couch, next to Ned who was chattering Tony’s ear off about some theory he had created about the movie’s universe. He saw MJ and Aunt May talking quietly, too wrapped up in their own world to notice him looking. Pepper was there as well, walking in with Happy, assisting him with all the pizza boxes they ordered. Her stomach was beginning to round out with the baby.

Oh yeah, the baby.

Peter had found out with all of them, and he was ecstatic at the thought of having a little baby boy or girl babbling and running about the hallways. He was prepared to protect them with his life.

The future had a lot to hold, that’s for sure. Peter was just glad to be along for the ride with his favorite people.

As long as he had them, he knew he was going to be okay.

Not broken, but okay.

**Author's Note:**

> ahh you've made it to the end! thank you for reading. any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated but are by no means necessary. this has been a big story to work with and it took a while to revise and edit it to be as good as can be. i'm still wondering if it's good enough even now BUT nonetheless i hope you all enjoyed. love ya <3
> 
> p.s i listened to this playlist while writing because most of these songs relate to what peter was going through in some shape or form. the title was take from the song Saint Bernard
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4WWDWIqTZNedZuW5NvbBJz?si=I7rqZn1JRjq4SFfw6qxAvw


End file.
